Hi everyone! I know I haven't written in a while, but today is a good day - so here I am!!
Our trip to Disneyland was absolutely magical! It completely exceeded any and all expectations that I had. I was so worried that I wouldn't feel well enough to enjoy our time there, but it's amazing what one can do with a positive attitude (and a wheelchair). Watching Shelby and Cooper's eyes dance with excitement made my heart so happy! We developed a great routine right from the start - get up early and go to the park, head back to the hotel around 2:00 for swimming, then dinner, then to the room for some rest. I couldn't get in the pool, but I could certainly enjoy the music and my non-alcoholic daquiri while I laid back in the shade and watched. I love to people watch - and a hotel pool in southern CA is a great place to do that! I don't know what I would have done without Bobby. He put his heart and soul into making this trip possible. He pushed me around Disneyland in a wheelchair, which proved to be challenging at times with the big crowds, and never once crashed, complained or took out the people in front of us. We seriously couldn't wipe the smiles off our faces all week. It was great to get away from everything and just enjoy being a family and laugh till it hurt. Then it was back to reality...
My last chemo treatment was awful. AWFUL!!! It hit me like a mack truck. I got so sick and the fatigue was debilitating. Trying to stay upbeat and positive was impossible. My positive attitude was out the door and nothing was right in my world. I cried and cried and cried some more and then when I thought I was all out of tears, I'd cry even more. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. If I haven't said it lately...I HATE CANCER!!!! I'm so over it. We were supposed to go to Colorado over the 4th of July weekend and I couldn't go - I was too sick. So, we made the decision to let the kids go with my parents. I had never been away from my kids for that long (5 days) and this was a trip we were supposed to take together, but the cards just didn't get dealt that way this time. The kids had the best time and, once again, were able to laugh till it hurt and not worry about me. By Sunday, I was starting to feel better and getting back to what I call normal these days and the kids came home Tuesday. Bobby and I actually even went on a date Monday night. I have another chemo treatment this Friday and I'm dreading it. BUT, this is the 4th treatment and the LAST of the nasty awful poison that knocks me off my feet. I'm told that the next 4 treatments will be a lot easier and my hair might even start growing back.
The kids are still doing wonderful. Cooper loves to go to my doctor appointments with me because he is sure that one of these times he'll get to see some sort of surgery with at least a little blood. I swear, if I could get the kid a stool to stand beside a doctor in the OR, he'd be in heaven. Maybe he'll turn out to be a doctor some day and change the lives of many. Shelby just turned 8 and has the heart and soul of a wise old woman and talks as though she's 16. When we first found out I had cancer, I immediately went into protect mode and wanted to make sure I protected my kids from all that comes with a mother's cancer diagnosis. I didn't ever want them to be scared or unsure of what our futures held for us. For the last few months, I truly thought I had done a good job of protecting them, but I was dead wrong. Cooper is still very curious about my scars and that's about it, which is just fine with me. The less he worries, the better. But sweet little Shelby, that poor girl has been internalizing A LOT of her feelings and I had no idea. Last night, we had a heart to heart and she unloaded EVERYTHING. It all started because she told me she wanted to get her hair cut so she could donate it and she started to cry. She's worried that with all the forest fires, all the trees are going to burn down and we are going to run out of oxygen, so she wants to start a website to take donations and she'll start replanting the trees herself. She's worried that her Auntie Carrie, Uncle Dave and Grandma in Austin are going to get hit with a tsunami (I can't convince her that won't happen). She's worried that all the fighting that her and Cooper do now is going to lead to a troubled relationship as adults. She's worried that I'm going to die. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My sweet Shelby truly had felt like the weight of the world was on her shoulders and she couldn't talk to me about it because I was too sick. She's only 8!!!! These aren't things that she should be thinking about!!!! She should be worrying about which American Girl doll to play with or which color to paint her nails! So this morning, we painted her nails and this afternoon she gets her hair cut. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, she reminds me that I was way off. I hate that my kids have to watch me go thru this, but we are one tight family unit and if cancer thinks for one second that it can break that bond, well.... to avoid expletives here.....I will just say - CANCER ... BLESS YOU!
To those that have had your mammograms recently or done your self exams - GOOD JOB!!!! To those that haven't - GET IT DONE! Seriously people, I would have been dead by the time I was 40 if I hadn't done my own exam. And if you haven't hugged your kids today, go hug them. And if you haven't told someone you love that you love them, go tell them.
