Those were the first words out of my mouth yesterday when I saw my doctor to review the results of my CT scan last Friday. There really is no way to sugar coat this, so I won't, but I will warn you...if you are offended by swearing, don't read this post. I will do my best to tone it down, but I'm beyond pissed off, frustrated and sad!!!! So bear with me.
My scan showed "significant progression" in my lungs and internal mammory node and I need to change my treatment plan. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????? Come on! I was doing so good and I was feeling really good. The blisters on my hands and feet had gotten better. What do you mean I have to change treatment plans?! I don't want to!!!! The tears began to flow ..... and flow ...... and I don't remember much after that. My doctor talked mostly with Bobby while I stared at the wall and cried.... and cried ...... and cried some more. This is just fucking ridiculous!! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!!!!!!!! (Don't judge me, I'm mad)
I had my port removed last year, kind of like the grand finale, when I had my boobs finished. It was very momentous. The plan was to plant it under a rose bush, but that never happened. It's still sitting on my dresser in a sterile container. Now, I have to get another one put in....probably next week because the chemo isn't IV friendly. The pain that these tumors are causing in the bone are getting worse and beginning to affect my daily life. That's where some of the urgency to shrink it faster comes in to play. I have to see a Radiation Oncologist to see if they will even do radiation considering how close this bitch is to my heart. No sense in doing radiation if it's going to destroy the valves around my heart. So I have to see what they say. Doing radiation on my lung is not an option because then I won't be able to breath. Removing the mammory node isn't an option because it's too close to my heart and removing the tumors on my lung are too risky and removing the one erroding into the sternum isn't an option because, well, that's what holds me together :) Last month, my CT scan showed that the part that was erroding into my sternum showed a small decrease in size and necrosis, that is still there, but the mammory node is attached and that's what is growing at lighting speed. I had two nodules on my lungs last month, but this month they have almost doubled in size and there are more. See why I'm pissed?! So chemo isn't working, at least the one I'm taking. So if I can do radiation, I will do radiation first and then chemo. If I can't do radiation, I'll go straight to chemo ... either way something will happen within the next few weeks.
After I left the doctor yesterday, I had one plan -- to get through the day. We sat in the parking lot for about 20 minutes and just cried. Other than the swearing, I was pretty speechless. I dropped the "F" bomb a lot. I didn't go to work, Bobby didn't go back to work, my kids went to my parents house for the night -- then Bobby and I went to get a beer. I had to occupy my mind with something and the first thing that came to my mind was a beer, an ice cold beer. I got through the day one minute at a time, just to wake up today and realize my new reality. I'm getting pretty tired of my new reality becoming a newer and different reality. Why can't I just have my old life back? Why can't I just be guaranteed that if I fight with everything I have that I'll make it to see my kids graduate from college?! WHY THE HELL NOT???????? I often wonder if I hopped a plane to Australia, that I'd get there and wouldn't have cancer anymore. If I could just get out of here, I could leave all the rest behind me! I just want to run away. But I can't, even if I wanted to. All I can think about is Cooper, Shelby and Bobby. Cooper. Shelby. Bobby. What would they do without me? I don't want this to be their life....their story. But it is. Whether I like it or not. Truth is....none of us really know how long we are going to be here on earth. I told my doctor last month that I just wish I knew when I was going to die. She looked straight at me and said "if you knew, what would it change?" Well, I suppose nothing. So I guess I have only one option....we find a treatment that works, fight like hell, I survive and then I THRIVE. I do believe in the gift of eternal life, but I'm very happy with this one and I'm not ready to go yet.
I'm hesitant to toast in the New Year because I don't know what I'd really be toasting to, but time doesn't stop .... for anyone. Last year, when we toasted in 2012 and told 2011 to kiss our sweet asses, we had no idea what we were in for this year. In spite of all my swear words and fears, this year has blessed us in many ways and I know that all blessings come in different shapes, sizes and colors.... sometimes they just aren't very clear. I'm excited and apprenhensive to ring in the New Year, but I guess it's GO BIG OR GO HOME in this house!!!
