The end is near....

WOW! I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since my last post! That just shows how much of a blur the summer was for me.

I'm nearing the end of my treatments - I'm finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, only 2 more treatments to go. Honestly, I can't believe it. I truly never thought I'd get here. I thought I was going to die first.....and not from the cancer, but from the chemo. Bobby put it perfectly -- they try to kill you without actually killing you. I was so incredibly sick and unable to function that I would find myself so deeply depressed. There were days that Bobby and/or my mom would have to physically force me to get out of bed. I felt like I was in an abyss, a deep dark abyss and I saw no way out. I hated the way I looked, so I never wanted to leave the house or see my friends. The doctor wanted to put me on an anti-depressant, but it couldn't be mixed with my anti-nausea meds. At chemo I would get 4 different anti-nausea meds and then at home I had 4 different prescriptions of anti-nausea meds to take. I was still sick. I don't know how much all those meds actually helped, but I'd hate to see how much worse it would have been without them! BUT! -- those days are over! I started the new treatments and they are so much better! Life is slowly, but surely, getting back to normal. I'm able to function as a full time wife and mom, which is something I missed so much. I'm sure that was part of my sadness -- I wasn't able to be present for my family. The kids missed "mommy" so much and I missed them. They saw me go thru things that no child should ever have to watch their mommy go thru. It was only a few months, but it felt like an eternity. Now, laughter and smiles are back baby!!! I still cry a lot, but it's not because I'm sad, it's because I'm menopausal. Yes, you read that right. I now have a whole new respect for women that experience hot flashes....holy crap! As if 100 degree summer days weren't quite enough, I've been blessed with hot flashes to go with it. I had a hysterectomy about 5 years ago, but I got to keep one ovary so that I wouldn't have to deal with hormone replacement. Well, the chemo has basically fried my poor little ovary. Only time will tell if it's able to "come back to life" or if it will remain dead :( The doctor says the further away from menopause age, the better chance I have of the ovary coming back. So I'm hoping for the best, cause hot flashes suck and I'm sure people are tired of me crying for no reason :) .... I must have said 50 times in the last week "I'm not crying because I'm sad, I don't know why I'm crying!" For example, I'm crying right now -- probably because I'm talking about crying, but I don't really know! And....this is the 3rd time I've cried since I started writing this post 30 minutes ago. I keep telling myself I'm not crazy!

My hair started to grow back, but that quickly came to a halt - not sure why, but oh well. My head looks like Shelby's did when she was born. Not only did my hair quit growing, but my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out. I remember saying that I couldn't wait until I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted and to follow it up with a yummy beer (or a glass of wine). I'm happy to report that I CAN NOW!!! Unfortunately, the scale can confirm that I've been eating whatever I want, too! I've also incorporated green chile back into my diet - YESSSS!!!!!!! I can't get enough of it! Everything seems like it's coming together perfectly. Today is the first day of September which means fall is right around the corner, the State Fair is coming soon and I can already smell the deep fried butter and oreos, Balloon Fiesta is in a month and hopefully not to far after that I can have my final surgery to get my new boobs....probably the end of October. I can't wait to toast in 2012 and tell 2011 to kiss my ass!

My next blog will be titled "NO MORE CHEMO!" Maybe I'll add music - I'm thinking "I'm A Survivor" by Destiny's Child. I have my 3rd one tomorrow and the last one in 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS PEOPLE!!!!! Can you believe it????? So until next time.... remember that every day is precious - hug the ones you love and smile till it hurts. And to all the ladies, I know you're probably tired of hearing it, but if you haven't done a self exam recently, you probably should.

They call it the happiest place on earth for a reason!

Hi everyone! I know I haven't written in a while, but today is a good day - so here I am!!

Our trip to Disneyland was absolutely magical! It completely exceeded any and all expectations that I had. I was so worried that I wouldn't feel well enough to enjoy our time there, but it's amazing what one can do with a positive attitude (and a wheelchair). Watching Shelby and Cooper's eyes dance with excitement made my heart so happy! We developed a great routine right from the start - get up early and go to the park, head back to the hotel around 2:00 for swimming, then dinner, then to the room for some rest. I couldn't get in the pool, but I could certainly enjoy the music and my non-alcoholic daquiri while I laid back in the shade and watched. I love to people watch - and a hotel pool in southern CA is a great place to do that! I don't know what I would have done without Bobby. He put his heart and soul into making this trip possible. He pushed me around Disneyland in a wheelchair, which proved to be challenging at times with the big crowds, and never once crashed, complained or took out the people in front of us. We seriously couldn't wipe the smiles off our faces all week. It was great to get away from everything and just enjoy being a family and laugh till it hurt. Then it was back to reality...

My last chemo treatment was awful. AWFUL!!! It hit me like a mack truck. I got so sick and the fatigue was debilitating. Trying to stay upbeat and positive was impossible. My positive attitude was out the door and nothing was right in my world. I cried and cried and cried some more and then when I thought I was all out of tears, I'd cry even more. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. If I haven't said it lately...I HATE CANCER!!!! I'm so over it. We were supposed to go to Colorado over the 4th of July weekend and I couldn't go - I was too sick. So, we made the decision to let the kids go with my parents. I had never been away from my kids for that long (5 days) and this was a trip we were supposed to take together, but the cards just didn't get dealt that way this time. The kids had the best time and, once again, were able to laugh till it hurt and not worry about me. By Sunday, I was starting to feel better and getting back to what I call normal these days and the kids came home Tuesday. Bobby and I actually even went on a date Monday night. I have another chemo treatment this Friday and I'm dreading it. BUT, this is the 4th treatment and the LAST of the nasty awful poison that knocks me off my feet. I'm told that the next 4 treatments will be a lot easier and my hair might even start growing back.

The kids are still doing wonderful. Cooper loves to go to my doctor appointments with me because he is sure that one of these times he'll get to see some sort of surgery with at least a little blood. I swear, if I could get the kid a stool to stand beside a doctor in the OR, he'd be in heaven. Maybe he'll turn out to be a doctor some day and change the lives of many. Shelby just turned 8 and has the heart and soul of a wise old woman and talks as though she's 16. When we first found out I had cancer, I immediately went into protect mode and wanted to make sure I protected my kids from all that comes with a mother's cancer diagnosis. I didn't ever want them to be scared or unsure of what our futures held for us. For the last few months, I truly thought I had done a good job of protecting them, but I was dead wrong. Cooper is still very curious about my scars and that's about it, which is just fine with me. The less he worries, the better. But sweet little Shelby, that poor girl has been internalizing A LOT of her feelings and I had no idea. Last night, we had a heart to heart and she unloaded EVERYTHING. It all started because she told me she wanted to get her hair cut so she could donate it and she started to cry. She's worried that with all the forest fires, all the trees are going to burn down and we are going to run out of oxygen, so she wants to start a website to take donations and she'll start replanting the trees herself. She's worried that her Auntie Carrie, Uncle Dave and Grandma in Austin are going to get hit with a tsunami (I can't convince her that won't happen). She's worried that all the fighting that her and Cooper do now is going to lead to a troubled relationship as adults. She's worried that I'm going to die. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My sweet Shelby truly had felt like the weight of the world was on her shoulders and she couldn't talk to me about it because I was too sick. She's only 8!!!! These aren't things that she should be thinking about!!!! She should be worrying about which American Girl doll to play with or which color to paint her nails! So this morning, we painted her nails and this afternoon she gets her hair cut. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, she reminds me that I was way off. I hate that my kids have to watch me go thru this, but we are one tight family unit and if cancer thinks for one second that it can break that bond, well.... to avoid expletives here.....I will just say - CANCER ... BLESS YOU!

To those that have had your mammograms recently or done your self exams - GOOD JOB!!!! To those that haven't - GET IT DONE! Seriously people, I would have been dead by the time I was 40 if I hadn't done my own exam. And if you haven't hugged your kids today, go hug them. And if you haven't told someone you love that you love them, go tell them.

I'm bald and going to Disneyland!

This past weekend was quite an emotional one. Chemo was on Friday and that always sucks. Shelby's birthday party was on Saturday and I actually made it thru, even danced a few dances -- I shouldn't have, but I did. :) Sunday morning, I woke up to get ready for church and when I began to wash what little hair I had, I realized my hands were covered in hair. It was really sad. I knew it was coming, but I suppose it was kind of like a looming death of someone who has been ill, you know it's going to happen, but when it happens nothing quite prepares you for the overwhelming emotions. I couldn't believe it! I sat in the shower for an hour and cried hysterically while I repeatedly ran my hands over my head. Needless to say, me and my puffy eyes didn't make it to church. That night Bobby razor shaved the remaining few hairs for me, so now we are sporting matching white shiny bowling balls. I've noticed my eyebrows have started to thin out, too - time to get out the sharpie and draw them in! :) BUT on the upside, I've done 2 of the 4 crappy treatments with the medicine that really knocks my socks off. After that, I will do 4 treatments of another medicine and I hear it won't be near as bad as the first go round. It amazes me that it takes such powerful and dangerous chemicals to rid my body of the cancer cells. I can't wait to eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat and chase it down with a beer. Seriously, I can't wait!!!! My esophagus is so jacked up, the only thing that goes down comfortably is KFC Mashed Potatoes and Gravy. Yummy!!

I get a 3 week break between treatments this time because WE ARE GOING TO DISNEYLAND ON SUNDAY!!!!! Mickey called the house this morning to tell the kids how excited he and Minnie are to see us. Seriously, I'm not sure who is more excited, Bobby and I or the kids! It's going to be a fantastic week. I don't think the kids have any idea what they are in for!!!

I want to thank each and everyone of you who have sent messages and cards. They truly mean so much and even though I don't always have the chance to respond to each individual message, I want you to know that they ALWAYS help bring my spirits up....even if it's just for 10 minutes. A positive attitude is hard to come by these days, so the messages are always wonderful to read and hear. If I haven't said it lately, CANCER SUCKS! I can't wait to have this part of my life behind me. Take care everyone!

Chemo - round 2! Ding Ding!!!!!

Today is my second chemo treatment. And boy, did I try everything to get out of it -- much to my dismay I'm sitting here in my chemo chair all hooked up to my meds. My good buddy, Mercedes, is here with me and keeping me hydrated and laughing.

Not much has been happening since my last update. Last Friday, I ended up getting really sick and had to come back in for some IV fluids and more anti nausea meds. It sucked! But once all the meds were on board I felt so much better. I did find out that my white blood count was dangerously low and that freaked me out. I had to wear a mask for a few days and had to steer clear of my tiny humans for a little while which was a huge bummer. But as the weekend went on I felt so much better. Then on Tuesday I had my white count checked again and it was so much better -- THANK GOODNESS! So that made for a pretty OK week.

Shelby celebrates her 8th birthday tomorrow, I can't believe it! 8 YEARS OLD!!!! She's having a dance party with with a DJ and all her friends. It's going to be great, I just hope I can feel great, too!

Another update...

I can't believe it's been over two weeks since my last update! No news is good news though! The last few weeks have been awesome - I have felt great! I finally reached a point where the pity parties were no longer! I had to do something - crying every other day because I was feeling sorry for myself was unproductive to say the least! It changed nothing. Finally, the day after Mother's Day, I'd had it and I said no more!!! Seriously, it was ridiculous. What a difference it made - it was so nice to wake up every morning and say (probably 50 times before I even got in the shower) "today is going to be a great day!" I would repeat it to myself several times throughout the day, too - whatever it took, I wasn't going to allow myself to go back to that unhappy place. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge advocate for pity parties, but there just comes a point where you have to accept it and move on or it will literally consume your life and the lives of everyone around you. I wasn't about to let cancer do that!

On Monday, I chopped off all my hair and went into hat wearing mode. I figure cutting my own hair was one of the few things I still had control over. Plus, when it does start to fall out, it will fall out in smaller chunks. I think it will be easier to see small bits of hair on my pillow every morning, instead of chunks that are 5 inches long. I have a wig, but I'm not ready for that yet. I sorta feel like it makes me look a little stripper-esque. I'm actually not sure if I'll ever wear it, but it's there if I need it. Yesterday (Wednesday), I had the port catheter put in. Damn, that was a much more invasive procedure that any of us thought it was going to be. No one prepared me! I had to have a driver, so I knew they'd sedate me a little bit. I figured I'd be there for an hour at the most. My appointment was at 7:30 and I thought we'd be home by 9:00. Ya, right! We got home at 1:30!!! It wasn't a pleasant experience, BUT the sedation they gave me knocked my socks off, so that was nice. I mean, come on, if you're gonna do it, may as well make sure they give you the good stuff, right?! :) And seriously, what is it with me and doctors that are 12 years old?!! My radiologist that put the port in yesterday was so young! I was going to jokingly call him Doogie Houser, but I figured since he would be holding a scalpel to my neck within the next 30 minutes, I probably shouldn't. What happened to the good ol' days when doctors were old and gray? Then for the grand finale of my week, tomorrow is my first chemo treatment. Here's hoping all goes well and the side effects are minimal. All fingers and toes crossed!!!! Wish me luck!

Ethel and Alice have been very bad girls....

I'm quickly learning that cancer could care less about MY plans. Last week seemed like a month. I was sick all week. I saw two dr's on Monday that said I must have just had a virus because I had absolutely no other symptoms, besides the fever. On Wednesday, that all changed. I still had a fever on Wednesday, so I texted my plastic surgeon and asked if I should be worried. She asked if Ethel or Alice had any swelling or redness. I noticed that Ethel had a little redness, but I wasn't sure if it was anything to worried about. So what does one do? I told Alice to say cheese and I took of picture of her and texted it to my doctor. Once she saw the text, she told me to come into the office. Sure enough, Ethel hadn't done what she was told and she had a minor infection. It was nothing that antibiotics shouldn't clear up. Alice, she was still being a good girl and healing nicely. Thursday came and went -- I don't remember much because I was super sick. I felt horrible. I couldn't figure out why I felt so bad. Here we were post surgery by two weeks -- I should be feeling better by now! So on Friday, I was still feeling pretty shitty, so I texted my doctor again, but this time I noticed Alice was getting a little red. And, of course, I was still running a pretty high fever. So, back to the office I go - my appt. was at 3:15. Bobby took me this time, so I didn't take my wallet or anything with me. I honestly thought we'd be home and hour later. When Dr. Chan saw it, she said "I don't like this, I don't like this at all." Great, just what I wanted to hear. So, she did a needle aspiration with one of my favorite 60cc syringes. Thank goodness I couldn't feel it because she filled up the entire thing. She said she would send it off to the lab to find out what kind of infection it was and start me on some different antibiotics. She left the rooom. A few minutes later she came back and said I think we need to change course a bit, we need to go to the operating room tomorrow. I was speechless. However, it quickly became apparent that getting a room on Saturday was going to be difficult because the schedule was full, so we opted for 10:30 Friday night. Then it changed to 10:00 and finally 6:00. When we decided to do it at 6:00, it was already 4:30. We had no time to process anything, we just went. Now that it's all over with, I think not having time to process anything was a good thing. It was a very fast growing infection and we needed to get it taken care of - pronto. If I had waited until after the weekend, it would have gotten much worse and the tissue expanders would have been removed. That would have sucked. As it is now, I'm stuck with 2 drains again. They are such a pain in the butt. I'm amazed at how much better I feel, though. All week last week, my body was fighting the infection instead of healing me from my surgery. No wonder it seemed like I was progressing so slowly. So, since all of this happened, I'm pretty sure chemo won't start this Friday. I'm kind of glad because that means I get to have a nice Mother's Day....so I'm keeping my fingers crossed chemo gets delayed a week or two.

I have a plan and I don't like it....at all!!!!!

I met with my oncologist yesterday. Whew! Talk about information overload! May I just say that the people at Hematology Oncology Associates are about to become precious angels in my life. A friend of mine posted this as her FB status yesterday - "I'm beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes... ~ Lady GaGa." How true this statement is to my life right now. I have no choice BUT to be beautiful in my own way right now because having no hair and square boobs is gonna have to be MY beautiful for the next 5 months. I still haven't quite figured out why God has chosen this path for me, but I know by the end of this journey, I'll find out. Bobby said that maybe with my breast cancer they will find a cure. Now wouldn't that be A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!?

OK, back to the doctor visits yesterday....

I met with my Oncologist, Dr. Sanchez. When the nurse was checking me in to get my weight, height and temp I learned that I still don't like to weigh myself, I've shrunk an inch AND I had a fever of 101! Say what? She asked me if I was feeling OK and I said no, that I felt like crap but I figured it was just par for the course right now. This explains why I had to leave in the middle of church on Easter Sunday and go home. I pretty much slept all day and then all night. I figured I had just over done it on Saturday when I went to get a pedicure with my mom and Shelby and then we went to Target. Usually, when I do too much, I pay for it the next day, so that's what I figured was going on on Sunday. Not so much. By the time I got home it was 102.2. Whatever, stupid fever! Anyway, Dr. Sanchez is super nice and super informative. She talked to us in terms that we understood. Basically, cancer sucks! Surprise! I know this is new information for you guys. Right? All together now and clap your hands.... CANCER SUCKS, IT REALLY REALLY SUCKS! I should get bumper stickers made. So, here's my plan....chemo starts May 6th and will go for 16 weeks total. I will go for my treatments every 2 weeks. I'm super lucky and get to take a medicine that is also know as the "red devil" -- this is the one that will make my hair fall out. On the upside, I won't have to be blow drying my hair in the middle of the summer - no more bed head! I'm thinking a hot pink wig is in order and I'm changing my name to Peaches for the summer. I have a port catheter installed next week in my big vein right under my collar bone. Because, you see, it's better to pump poison into the larger veins in your body than it is to pump it into the smaller veins. The red devil could potentially do so much damage to my veins and arm that I would need skin grafts to repair it. Uh, I don't think so!! Oh, and the closer to your heart that you inject the medicine, the better it is. OK doc, whatever you say. You might be wondering why I still have to do chemo if all the cancer was taken out. Well, it just so happens that I have an answer for you. It's because when you have a cancerous tumor it has cells that like to escape and travel thru your blood stream. Imagine a few pieces of dirt running threw a hose, those pieces of dirt are likely gonna get caught up somewhere in the hose. Sometimes they attach to other organs or land in your lymph system or any other place in your body and you get BREAST cancer there. So if a cell attached to my liver, I don't get liver cancer, I get breast cancer on my liver. So the chemo will help eliminate as many of those bad cells as possible. Unfortunately, it won't get rid of them all, so I won't be guaranteed that I will never get cancer again. This is why I actually pondered the idea of not doing chemo at all. I mean, if it doesn't eliminate my chances completely, why would I want to go thru this? However, after talking with Bobby - I quickly remembered the 3 reasons why - Bobby, Shelby and Cooper. Yes, I had a momentary bout with headupassitis - ever heard of it? Don't look it up, I'm pretty sure it's not in the dictionary :) But Bobby is really good at talking me down and helping me remove my head from my ass, and that's exactly where my thoughts were. When I made the decision to have a double mastectomy instead of a single, it was because the 20% chance of cancer recurring in the other breast was too much for me. I remember saying 1% would have been too much. So, yes, the 1% is still too much and I'm still willing to do whatever necessary to make sure I can watch my kids graduate from college, meet their soul mate and make some amazing tiny humans like I have been blessed with. Do I want to do this? H to the E-L-L no!!!!! But God has chosen this path for me, and we all know, he doesn't make mistakes. So I'm gonna get to the end and find out why!

Next appointment was with Dr. Chan - she's my 29 year old plastic surgeon. She's a rock star!!!! I thought for sure I had an infection on the right side where one of my drains was at and I didn't! So there is no explanation for the crappy feeling for the last 3 days or the fevers. Whatever, stupid fever. She pulled the last two drains out and gave me my first fill! She injected 30 cc's of saline into each boob - we can call them Ethel and Alice for blogging purposes. So first up was Alice, she got the first 30 cc's, so instead of being a rectangle, Alice is now a perky little square. Ethel was last, but she also got 30 cc's. I was warned not to look at the syringe with the saline, but that's almost IMPOSSIBLE to do since it was sitting right next to the chair I was sitting in! Think about it - the syringe we use to give our kids tylenol or advil is a 5 cc syringe, so imagine my eyes popping and my heart sinking when I saw two 60 cc syringes sitting on the tray when I walked in!! Let's not forget to mention the 2 foot long needle that is strong enough to stick in a horses rump on the end of the syringe. OK, maybe two feet is a slight exaggeration, but it was big!!! Good thing Ethel and Alice are still numb and I didn't feel a thing.

So that was my day in a nutshell....a very BIG nutshell. Remember people, I did a self breast exam and it has likely saved my life. Yes, it opened a door to a temporary hell, but imagine the hell your loved ones would go thru if you didn't do an exam and by the time cancer was found it was too late. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for them - because in the end, if you do it for them, you will still get to reap the benefits. Love to ALL of you. The meals, cards, gifts, flowers, Starbucks....all of it has touched my heart in ways that could never be put into words. Thank you a million times over!

Eh, it's not so bad...

Have you ever cut your finger really bad and you knew when you did it that it was a pretty bad cut? The first thing you do is grab it and cover it up because you're too afraid to see how bad you really cut it, right? After a few seconds of squeezing it really tight, you take a peek to see how bad it is. Well, my surgery was on Monday and I still haven't taken a step back and looked to see what my chest looks like. So, after Bobby and the kids went to church this morning, I decided it was time. I was alone, so I didn't have to worry about the kids busting open the door to see what I was doing. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. No, they don't look 100% normal, but I don't look completely deformed either. But the best thing of all.... when I looked at myself I saw a woman that didn't have any cancer in her body anymore. For the last month, knowing that I had this awful sickness in my body gave me the worst feeling. I felt like I was defective and I was so angry that my body had betrayed me in such a way. I also received great news on Friday - pathology results were in and the lymph nodes that were removed were negative for cancer and the doctor was able to get clear margins by 1cm, which means she was able to get ALL the tumor out during surgery. That was a huge relief because that means I won't have to do radiation therapy. So what's next? Tomorrow I visit my plastic surgeon and she will remove 2 of the drains. I can't wait - they are such a pain in the butt! Until next time....

Today is the day He has made....

I will rejoice and be glad in it! Here I am! Surgery went well. I ended up having to stay the night because I was requiring too much pain medication. I was actually very surpised at the amount of pain I was in. But those awesome nurses did their best to keep it under control.. The surgeon said she felt very confident that she got all the cancer out, she even removed some lymph nodes from each side. There was a little drama just before surgery - I guess you could say I freaked out! All of the sudden it just became so real and there was no turning back. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. I really didn't want to go thru with it (even though I knew I had to) - you could have called me the Runaway Patient. Then my best friend, Dr. Anesthesiologist, came by and he gave me my pre-surgery margarita and all was well with the world. Everything after that - I have no recollection of. Nothing! I suppose that's a good thing, right? I've got two drainage tubes coming out of each surgical site, plus a lovely undergarment to wear so I can velcro the tubes to my undergarment and they don't just hang down. I also have a pain ball that administers medication on it's own every 2 hours. thru another tube going into each surgical site as well. So, I have to carry that around with me, but it should only last a few more days and then it will be empty. I have to wear Bobby's button up shirts for now because I can't get my arms thru a regular shirt sleeve. I was pleasantly surprised that I'm not as flat as a board. There was enough skin left that my doctor could fill up the tissue expanders with quite a bit of saline, so I look like I have square boobs and it feels like they are right underneath my chin. That's better than nothing though. She expects that I'll only have to go in for 1 or 2 saline fills to make them bigger. I realize that this blog post is a little all over the place, but that's the best I can do for now because the pain pills make me a little loopy. So for now my friends - CIAO! Oh and if you haven't done so already, get up and go do your self exam.

Out with old and in with the new....

So, today is finally here. All I did was complain the last few weeks about how much I didn't like the waiting game. Now, I don't have to wait anymore. The road to health begins today. I absolutely can't believe all the well wishes I have recieved in the last 24 hours. I'm so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. My first procedure this morning is over with and it wasn't too bad at all - 4 injections in each breast with radioactive medicine. I think that was one of the things I was dreading the most about today and it really wasn't bad at all. Actually, I didn't feel a thing. The worst part was that Bobby couldn't go back with me and he is my designated hand holder for today. Saying good bye to the kids this morning was a bit tough, but they were happy and smiling, so that made it a lot easier. Well, I guess I better go sign in. With any luck, the earlier I sign in, the earlier I'll get my pre-surgery cocktail. I'll check back in with y'all soon!

How our lives have been changed forever...

It's been 3 years since I've updated this blog, but since I've had a few requests to do something like this so people can stay up to date on how things are going, I'm going to attempt to update my blog at least once a week from now on. This first one will be quite long, but it will get everyone up to speed on the crap that's been going down at the Butler house. The last month has been an emotional roller coaster for our family.... For those of you that don't know, we received the devastating news that I had breast cancer on March 17th. The few weeks before the diagnosis were a whirlwind. During the night on March 1st, I noticed I was having trouble sleeping on my stomach because my boobs hurt (TMI, I know, but that's how it started), so the next day I did a self breast exam and found a pea size lump on the left side almost in my armpit. I called my doctor and she saw me on the morning of the 3rd. She did an exam and couldn't find because it was so small, so I had to show her where it was. Once she felt it, she said it was probably nothing but because of my mom's history (diagnosed 3 years ago with BC) I should have it checked out. So she referred me to a breast surgeon, Dr. Smith, who I saw one week later on March 10th. Once again, Dr. Smith felt around and couldn't find the lump, so I had to show her. Same thing, she said it was probably nothing but let's do an ultrasound which they did right then. So I laid back (I'm quickly learning that modesty is a thing of the past) and as she was doing the ultrasound, she found another lump that was the size of a damn walnut that concerned her a little bit. She made an appointment for me on the 15th to have a mammogram and another ultrasound. When I woke up on the morning of the 15th, I seriously had no idea what I was in for that day. My appointment was at 8:40. I was to go straight from that appointment over to Dr. Smiths office to go over the results. The mammogram was first and the ultrasound was second. After the ultrasound the radiologist walked in and asked me to sit on the edge of the bed so he could show me some of the images. He first reviewed the TWO areas that was of little or no concern, one was the lump I found and the other was a cyst near my lymph node. Then he dropped the bombshell. The walnut size lump that Dr. Smith found with her ultrasoud "caused a high level of concern" and needed to have a biopsy. And since we were going to be doing the biopsy on that one, we may as well do the other two just to be safe. I immediately began to cry. Both the radiologist and ultra sound tech were so unbelievably kind. So I went from there over the Dr. Smith's office where Bobby was waiting for me. That two minute walk seemed like an eternity. I was so hysterical when I walked in, I couldn't even tell the girl at the front desk what my name was - I literally couldn't speak - I had to point down to the sign in sheet and show her my name. They immediately took me back and the process began. They went over the images with me again and with Bobby for the first time. I think we all pretty much new the outcome even though we wouldn't get the pathology results for two days. They instantly starting making appointments for MRI's, CT scans, blood work, plastic surgeon, oncologist, etc. We even started talking about surgical options. I also had blood drawn to see if I carried the cancer cell mutation, because if I had, it was very likely that I passed it on to Shelby. I found out last week that it was negative which was a great bit of good news. So, I was there for a few hours, came home and squeezed the kids and then went right back for my biopsy. I will rank that up there on my list of top 5 most unpleasant experiences. Bobby could hear my crying and telling them to stop from the waiting room. I cried so much that day....pretty much from start to finish. It exhausted me to my core. I had pretty much accepted by the end of that day that I had cancer. So when I got the results on Thursday morning, I didn't cry.... I took the kids to the zoo instead and that day at the zoo was one of the best ever!! I decided then that crying isn't a productive way to fight this, although I will admit, I do breakdown sometimes and have my own little pity party. I remember the morning I found out and I called a good friend to tell her while we were in the car on the way to the zoo. I was trying to keep it from the kids until we could all sit down as a family and tell them, so I was talking in "code" with my friend and trying to be very discreet. When I got off the phone, Shelby looked at me and said "mommy, do you have cancer?" (So much for being discreet!) I looked at her and honestly answered, "yes". The look on her face broke my heart. I told her not to be scared because I wasn't and she didn't need to cry because I wasn't crying. She then asked me if I was going to survive. I told her that I was absolutely going to survive and we then began dancing and singing like fools in the car. And for the next 4 hours, cancer was the farthest thing from our minds. All of the happened over spring break, so the following Monday when the kids went back to school, I called the school counselor. I was really worried about Shelby and how she was processing all of this. Cooper just wanted to know if I was going to have a cool scar and that was it. The counselor talked to Shelby and really helped her and let her know that she could come talk to her anytime if she was having a bad day. She said that instead of talking about how she's feeling, she could write or draw pictures and boy, have I gotten some great pictures from her since then. So, after my MRI, a teeny tiny other area of interest was found towards the bottom of my left breast, however all other vital organs were free of any cancer. Finally, some good news!!! At that point, we met with the surgeon and she said if I was her daughter, she would recommend a single mastectomy on the left side. She explained that there was a 20% chance over the next 10 years that cancer would show up on the right side and that a double mastectomy was another option. So, Bobby and I talked at great length that night and I decided that I NEVER wanted to go thru something like this again and we're doing this now, so let's get it all over with now. I opted for the double mastectomy. Radical? Maybe, but I really don't think so. I clearly am very unlucky and it's just not something I'm really to risk. I've met with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Chan, and she is absolutely amazing. I feel like I'm in the best hands and have the best team of doctors and nurses around me. Dr. Chan gave me her email and cell phone number - what doctor does that? I haven't met my oncologist yet, but that will be on April 25th. I'm told I'll get a month to recover from surgery and then I will start chemo, so I'm thinking I will start around the 2nd week in May. So, the plan now is surgery on Monday, April 11th. It will be a double mastectomy and I will start the reconstruction process immediately. However, I won't get the final installation of my new boobs until after I've completed chemo. So there you have it, the last month of my life in a nutshell. I feel like I'm in a really good place right now, I call it my 'happy place'. I do worry about Bobby and the kids and how they are handling all this. Bobby puts a smile on his face, but I know he's dying on the inside and it breaks my heart. I'm surrounded by the most amazing group of friends and the most supportive family. I have two friends that will go with me to chemo and they are going to wear shirts that say "Hattie's Chemo Mafia" - and boy are they. Their first response when they found out I had cancer wasn't that of despair or sadness, it was more like 'ok, what are WE going to do to fight this?!" Let's kick some cancer booty! I feel so blessed and loved. I receive cards in the mail every day and sometimes little gifts that truly bring a smile to my face and lift my spirits. I wish I could put into words how much it all means to me. Let me finish by saying this - I found the lump because I did a self exam. The lump I found turned out to be nothing. But because I found it, the other lump was found. My cancer is aggressive, so the fact that it was found early was life saving. So, when you are done reading this, get up and go to the bathroom and check yourself! Please, do your self exams!!!!