I have a plan and I don't like it....at all!!!!!

I met with my oncologist yesterday. Whew! Talk about information overload! May I just say that the people at Hematology Oncology Associates are about to become precious angels in my life. A friend of mine posted this as her FB status yesterday - "I'm beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes... ~ Lady GaGa." How true this statement is to my life right now. I have no choice BUT to be beautiful in my own way right now because having no hair and square boobs is gonna have to be MY beautiful for the next 5 months. I still haven't quite figured out why God has chosen this path for me, but I know by the end of this journey, I'll find out. Bobby said that maybe with my breast cancer they will find a cure. Now wouldn't that be A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!?

OK, back to the doctor visits yesterday....

I met with my Oncologist, Dr. Sanchez. When the nurse was checking me in to get my weight, height and temp I learned that I still don't like to weigh myself, I've shrunk an inch AND I had a fever of 101! Say what? She asked me if I was feeling OK and I said no, that I felt like crap but I figured it was just par for the course right now. This explains why I had to leave in the middle of church on Easter Sunday and go home. I pretty much slept all day and then all night. I figured I had just over done it on Saturday when I went to get a pedicure with my mom and Shelby and then we went to Target. Usually, when I do too much, I pay for it the next day, so that's what I figured was going on on Sunday. Not so much. By the time I got home it was 102.2. Whatever, stupid fever! Anyway, Dr. Sanchez is super nice and super informative. She talked to us in terms that we understood. Basically, cancer sucks! Surprise! I know this is new information for you guys. Right? All together now and clap your hands.... CANCER SUCKS, IT REALLY REALLY SUCKS! I should get bumper stickers made. So, here's my plan....chemo starts May 6th and will go for 16 weeks total. I will go for my treatments every 2 weeks. I'm super lucky and get to take a medicine that is also know as the "red devil" -- this is the one that will make my hair fall out. On the upside, I won't have to be blow drying my hair in the middle of the summer - no more bed head! I'm thinking a hot pink wig is in order and I'm changing my name to Peaches for the summer. I have a port catheter installed next week in my big vein right under my collar bone. Because, you see, it's better to pump poison into the larger veins in your body than it is to pump it into the smaller veins. The red devil could potentially do so much damage to my veins and arm that I would need skin grafts to repair it. Uh, I don't think so!! Oh, and the closer to your heart that you inject the medicine, the better it is. OK doc, whatever you say. You might be wondering why I still have to do chemo if all the cancer was taken out. Well, it just so happens that I have an answer for you. It's because when you have a cancerous tumor it has cells that like to escape and travel thru your blood stream. Imagine a few pieces of dirt running threw a hose, those pieces of dirt are likely gonna get caught up somewhere in the hose. Sometimes they attach to other organs or land in your lymph system or any other place in your body and you get BREAST cancer there. So if a cell attached to my liver, I don't get liver cancer, I get breast cancer on my liver. So the chemo will help eliminate as many of those bad cells as possible. Unfortunately, it won't get rid of them all, so I won't be guaranteed that I will never get cancer again. This is why I actually pondered the idea of not doing chemo at all. I mean, if it doesn't eliminate my chances completely, why would I want to go thru this? However, after talking with Bobby - I quickly remembered the 3 reasons why - Bobby, Shelby and Cooper. Yes, I had a momentary bout with headupassitis - ever heard of it? Don't look it up, I'm pretty sure it's not in the dictionary :) But Bobby is really good at talking me down and helping me remove my head from my ass, and that's exactly where my thoughts were. When I made the decision to have a double mastectomy instead of a single, it was because the 20% chance of cancer recurring in the other breast was too much for me. I remember saying 1% would have been too much. So, yes, the 1% is still too much and I'm still willing to do whatever necessary to make sure I can watch my kids graduate from college, meet their soul mate and make some amazing tiny humans like I have been blessed with. Do I want to do this? H to the E-L-L no!!!!! But God has chosen this path for me, and we all know, he doesn't make mistakes. So I'm gonna get to the end and find out why!

Next appointment was with Dr. Chan - she's my 29 year old plastic surgeon. She's a rock star!!!! I thought for sure I had an infection on the right side where one of my drains was at and I didn't! So there is no explanation for the crappy feeling for the last 3 days or the fevers. Whatever, stupid fever. She pulled the last two drains out and gave me my first fill! She injected 30 cc's of saline into each boob - we can call them Ethel and Alice for blogging purposes. So first up was Alice, she got the first 30 cc's, so instead of being a rectangle, Alice is now a perky little square. Ethel was last, but she also got 30 cc's. I was warned not to look at the syringe with the saline, but that's almost IMPOSSIBLE to do since it was sitting right next to the chair I was sitting in! Think about it - the syringe we use to give our kids tylenol or advil is a 5 cc syringe, so imagine my eyes popping and my heart sinking when I saw two 60 cc syringes sitting on the tray when I walked in!! Let's not forget to mention the 2 foot long needle that is strong enough to stick in a horses rump on the end of the syringe. OK, maybe two feet is a slight exaggeration, but it was big!!! Good thing Ethel and Alice are still numb and I didn't feel a thing.

So that was my day in a nutshell....a very BIG nutshell. Remember people, I did a self breast exam and it has likely saved my life. Yes, it opened a door to a temporary hell, but imagine the hell your loved ones would go thru if you didn't do an exam and by the time cancer was found it was too late. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for them - because in the end, if you do it for them, you will still get to reap the benefits. Love to ALL of you. The meals, cards, gifts, flowers, Starbucks....all of it has touched my heart in ways that could never be put into words. Thank you a million times over!

Eh, it's not so bad...

Have you ever cut your finger really bad and you knew when you did it that it was a pretty bad cut? The first thing you do is grab it and cover it up because you're too afraid to see how bad you really cut it, right? After a few seconds of squeezing it really tight, you take a peek to see how bad it is. Well, my surgery was on Monday and I still haven't taken a step back and looked to see what my chest looks like. So, after Bobby and the kids went to church this morning, I decided it was time. I was alone, so I didn't have to worry about the kids busting open the door to see what I was doing. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. No, they don't look 100% normal, but I don't look completely deformed either. But the best thing of all.... when I looked at myself I saw a woman that didn't have any cancer in her body anymore. For the last month, knowing that I had this awful sickness in my body gave me the worst feeling. I felt like I was defective and I was so angry that my body had betrayed me in such a way. I also received great news on Friday - pathology results were in and the lymph nodes that were removed were negative for cancer and the doctor was able to get clear margins by 1cm, which means she was able to get ALL the tumor out during surgery. That was a huge relief because that means I won't have to do radiation therapy. So what's next? Tomorrow I visit my plastic surgeon and she will remove 2 of the drains. I can't wait - they are such a pain in the butt! Until next time....

Today is the day He has made....

I will rejoice and be glad in it! Here I am! Surgery went well. I ended up having to stay the night because I was requiring too much pain medication. I was actually very surpised at the amount of pain I was in. But those awesome nurses did their best to keep it under control.. The surgeon said she felt very confident that she got all the cancer out, she even removed some lymph nodes from each side. There was a little drama just before surgery - I guess you could say I freaked out! All of the sudden it just became so real and there was no turning back. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. I really didn't want to go thru with it (even though I knew I had to) - you could have called me the Runaway Patient. Then my best friend, Dr. Anesthesiologist, came by and he gave me my pre-surgery margarita and all was well with the world. Everything after that - I have no recollection of. Nothing! I suppose that's a good thing, right? I've got two drainage tubes coming out of each surgical site, plus a lovely undergarment to wear so I can velcro the tubes to my undergarment and they don't just hang down. I also have a pain ball that administers medication on it's own every 2 hours. thru another tube going into each surgical site as well. So, I have to carry that around with me, but it should only last a few more days and then it will be empty. I have to wear Bobby's button up shirts for now because I can't get my arms thru a regular shirt sleeve. I was pleasantly surprised that I'm not as flat as a board. There was enough skin left that my doctor could fill up the tissue expanders with quite a bit of saline, so I look like I have square boobs and it feels like they are right underneath my chin. That's better than nothing though. She expects that I'll only have to go in for 1 or 2 saline fills to make them bigger. I realize that this blog post is a little all over the place, but that's the best I can do for now because the pain pills make me a little loopy. So for now my friends - CIAO! Oh and if you haven't done so already, get up and go do your self exam.

Out with old and in with the new....

So, today is finally here. All I did was complain the last few weeks about how much I didn't like the waiting game. Now, I don't have to wait anymore. The road to health begins today. I absolutely can't believe all the well wishes I have recieved in the last 24 hours. I'm so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. My first procedure this morning is over with and it wasn't too bad at all - 4 injections in each breast with radioactive medicine. I think that was one of the things I was dreading the most about today and it really wasn't bad at all. Actually, I didn't feel a thing. The worst part was that Bobby couldn't go back with me and he is my designated hand holder for today. Saying good bye to the kids this morning was a bit tough, but they were happy and smiling, so that made it a lot easier. Well, I guess I better go sign in. With any luck, the earlier I sign in, the earlier I'll get my pre-surgery cocktail. I'll check back in with y'all soon!

How our lives have been changed forever...

It's been 3 years since I've updated this blog, but since I've had a few requests to do something like this so people can stay up to date on how things are going, I'm going to attempt to update my blog at least once a week from now on. This first one will be quite long, but it will get everyone up to speed on the crap that's been going down at the Butler house. The last month has been an emotional roller coaster for our family.... For those of you that don't know, we received the devastating news that I had breast cancer on March 17th. The few weeks before the diagnosis were a whirlwind. During the night on March 1st, I noticed I was having trouble sleeping on my stomach because my boobs hurt (TMI, I know, but that's how it started), so the next day I did a self breast exam and found a pea size lump on the left side almost in my armpit. I called my doctor and she saw me on the morning of the 3rd. She did an exam and couldn't find because it was so small, so I had to show her where it was. Once she felt it, she said it was probably nothing but because of my mom's history (diagnosed 3 years ago with BC) I should have it checked out. So she referred me to a breast surgeon, Dr. Smith, who I saw one week later on March 10th. Once again, Dr. Smith felt around and couldn't find the lump, so I had to show her. Same thing, she said it was probably nothing but let's do an ultrasound which they did right then. So I laid back (I'm quickly learning that modesty is a thing of the past) and as she was doing the ultrasound, she found another lump that was the size of a damn walnut that concerned her a little bit. She made an appointment for me on the 15th to have a mammogram and another ultrasound. When I woke up on the morning of the 15th, I seriously had no idea what I was in for that day. My appointment was at 8:40. I was to go straight from that appointment over to Dr. Smiths office to go over the results. The mammogram was first and the ultrasound was second. After the ultrasound the radiologist walked in and asked me to sit on the edge of the bed so he could show me some of the images. He first reviewed the TWO areas that was of little or no concern, one was the lump I found and the other was a cyst near my lymph node. Then he dropped the bombshell. The walnut size lump that Dr. Smith found with her ultrasoud "caused a high level of concern" and needed to have a biopsy. And since we were going to be doing the biopsy on that one, we may as well do the other two just to be safe. I immediately began to cry. Both the radiologist and ultra sound tech were so unbelievably kind. So I went from there over the Dr. Smith's office where Bobby was waiting for me. That two minute walk seemed like an eternity. I was so hysterical when I walked in, I couldn't even tell the girl at the front desk what my name was - I literally couldn't speak - I had to point down to the sign in sheet and show her my name. They immediately took me back and the process began. They went over the images with me again and with Bobby for the first time. I think we all pretty much new the outcome even though we wouldn't get the pathology results for two days. They instantly starting making appointments for MRI's, CT scans, blood work, plastic surgeon, oncologist, etc. We even started talking about surgical options. I also had blood drawn to see if I carried the cancer cell mutation, because if I had, it was very likely that I passed it on to Shelby. I found out last week that it was negative which was a great bit of good news. So, I was there for a few hours, came home and squeezed the kids and then went right back for my biopsy. I will rank that up there on my list of top 5 most unpleasant experiences. Bobby could hear my crying and telling them to stop from the waiting room. I cried so much that day....pretty much from start to finish. It exhausted me to my core. I had pretty much accepted by the end of that day that I had cancer. So when I got the results on Thursday morning, I didn't cry.... I took the kids to the zoo instead and that day at the zoo was one of the best ever!! I decided then that crying isn't a productive way to fight this, although I will admit, I do breakdown sometimes and have my own little pity party. I remember the morning I found out and I called a good friend to tell her while we were in the car on the way to the zoo. I was trying to keep it from the kids until we could all sit down as a family and tell them, so I was talking in "code" with my friend and trying to be very discreet. When I got off the phone, Shelby looked at me and said "mommy, do you have cancer?" (So much for being discreet!) I looked at her and honestly answered, "yes". The look on her face broke my heart. I told her not to be scared because I wasn't and she didn't need to cry because I wasn't crying. She then asked me if I was going to survive. I told her that I was absolutely going to survive and we then began dancing and singing like fools in the car. And for the next 4 hours, cancer was the farthest thing from our minds. All of the happened over spring break, so the following Monday when the kids went back to school, I called the school counselor. I was really worried about Shelby and how she was processing all of this. Cooper just wanted to know if I was going to have a cool scar and that was it. The counselor talked to Shelby and really helped her and let her know that she could come talk to her anytime if she was having a bad day. She said that instead of talking about how she's feeling, she could write or draw pictures and boy, have I gotten some great pictures from her since then. So, after my MRI, a teeny tiny other area of interest was found towards the bottom of my left breast, however all other vital organs were free of any cancer. Finally, some good news!!! At that point, we met with the surgeon and she said if I was her daughter, she would recommend a single mastectomy on the left side. She explained that there was a 20% chance over the next 10 years that cancer would show up on the right side and that a double mastectomy was another option. So, Bobby and I talked at great length that night and I decided that I NEVER wanted to go thru something like this again and we're doing this now, so let's get it all over with now. I opted for the double mastectomy. Radical? Maybe, but I really don't think so. I clearly am very unlucky and it's just not something I'm really to risk. I've met with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Chan, and she is absolutely amazing. I feel like I'm in the best hands and have the best team of doctors and nurses around me. Dr. Chan gave me her email and cell phone number - what doctor does that? I haven't met my oncologist yet, but that will be on April 25th. I'm told I'll get a month to recover from surgery and then I will start chemo, so I'm thinking I will start around the 2nd week in May. So, the plan now is surgery on Monday, April 11th. It will be a double mastectomy and I will start the reconstruction process immediately. However, I won't get the final installation of my new boobs until after I've completed chemo. So there you have it, the last month of my life in a nutshell. I feel like I'm in a really good place right now, I call it my 'happy place'. I do worry about Bobby and the kids and how they are handling all this. Bobby puts a smile on his face, but I know he's dying on the inside and it breaks my heart. I'm surrounded by the most amazing group of friends and the most supportive family. I have two friends that will go with me to chemo and they are going to wear shirts that say "Hattie's Chemo Mafia" - and boy are they. Their first response when they found out I had cancer wasn't that of despair or sadness, it was more like 'ok, what are WE going to do to fight this?!" Let's kick some cancer booty! I feel so blessed and loved. I receive cards in the mail every day and sometimes little gifts that truly bring a smile to my face and lift my spirits. I wish I could put into words how much it all means to me. Let me finish by saying this - I found the lump because I did a self exam. The lump I found turned out to be nothing. But because I found it, the other lump was found. My cancer is aggressive, so the fact that it was found early was life saving. So, when you are done reading this, get up and go to the bathroom and check yourself! Please, do your self exams!!!!