The end is near....

WOW! I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since my last post! That just shows how much of a blur the summer was for me.

I'm nearing the end of my treatments - I'm finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, only 2 more treatments to go. Honestly, I can't believe it. I truly never thought I'd get here. I thought I was going to die first.....and not from the cancer, but from the chemo. Bobby put it perfectly -- they try to kill you without actually killing you. I was so incredibly sick and unable to function that I would find myself so deeply depressed. There were days that Bobby and/or my mom would have to physically force me to get out of bed. I felt like I was in an abyss, a deep dark abyss and I saw no way out. I hated the way I looked, so I never wanted to leave the house or see my friends. The doctor wanted to put me on an anti-depressant, but it couldn't be mixed with my anti-nausea meds. At chemo I would get 4 different anti-nausea meds and then at home I had 4 different prescriptions of anti-nausea meds to take. I was still sick. I don't know how much all those meds actually helped, but I'd hate to see how much worse it would have been without them! BUT! -- those days are over! I started the new treatments and they are so much better! Life is slowly, but surely, getting back to normal. I'm able to function as a full time wife and mom, which is something I missed so much. I'm sure that was part of my sadness -- I wasn't able to be present for my family. The kids missed "mommy" so much and I missed them. They saw me go thru things that no child should ever have to watch their mommy go thru. It was only a few months, but it felt like an eternity. Now, laughter and smiles are back baby!!! I still cry a lot, but it's not because I'm sad, it's because I'm menopausal. Yes, you read that right. I now have a whole new respect for women that experience hot flashes....holy crap! As if 100 degree summer days weren't quite enough, I've been blessed with hot flashes to go with it. I had a hysterectomy about 5 years ago, but I got to keep one ovary so that I wouldn't have to deal with hormone replacement. Well, the chemo has basically fried my poor little ovary. Only time will tell if it's able to "come back to life" or if it will remain dead :( The doctor says the further away from menopause age, the better chance I have of the ovary coming back. So I'm hoping for the best, cause hot flashes suck and I'm sure people are tired of me crying for no reason :) .... I must have said 50 times in the last week "I'm not crying because I'm sad, I don't know why I'm crying!" For example, I'm crying right now -- probably because I'm talking about crying, but I don't really know! And....this is the 3rd time I've cried since I started writing this post 30 minutes ago. I keep telling myself I'm not crazy!

My hair started to grow back, but that quickly came to a halt - not sure why, but oh well. My head looks like Shelby's did when she was born. Not only did my hair quit growing, but my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out. I remember saying that I couldn't wait until I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted and to follow it up with a yummy beer (or a glass of wine). I'm happy to report that I CAN NOW!!! Unfortunately, the scale can confirm that I've been eating whatever I want, too! I've also incorporated green chile back into my diet - YESSSS!!!!!!! I can't get enough of it! Everything seems like it's coming together perfectly. Today is the first day of September which means fall is right around the corner, the State Fair is coming soon and I can already smell the deep fried butter and oreos, Balloon Fiesta is in a month and hopefully not to far after that I can have my final surgery to get my new boobs....probably the end of October. I can't wait to toast in 2012 and tell 2011 to kiss my ass!

My next blog will be titled "NO MORE CHEMO!" Maybe I'll add music - I'm thinking "I'm A Survivor" by Destiny's Child. I have my 3rd one tomorrow and the last one in 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS PEOPLE!!!!! Can you believe it????? So until next time.... remember that every day is precious - hug the ones you love and smile till it hurts. And to all the ladies, I know you're probably tired of hearing it, but if you haven't done a self exam recently, you probably should.