How our lives have been changed forever...

It's been 3 years since I've updated this blog, but since I've had a few requests to do something like this so people can stay up to date on how things are going, I'm going to attempt to update my blog at least once a week from now on. This first one will be quite long, but it will get everyone up to speed on the crap that's been going down at the Butler house. The last month has been an emotional roller coaster for our family.... For those of you that don't know, we received the devastating news that I had breast cancer on March 17th. The few weeks before the diagnosis were a whirlwind. During the night on March 1st, I noticed I was having trouble sleeping on my stomach because my boobs hurt (TMI, I know, but that's how it started), so the next day I did a self breast exam and found a pea size lump on the left side almost in my armpit. I called my doctor and she saw me on the morning of the 3rd. She did an exam and couldn't find because it was so small, so I had to show her where it was. Once she felt it, she said it was probably nothing but because of my mom's history (diagnosed 3 years ago with BC) I should have it checked out. So she referred me to a breast surgeon, Dr. Smith, who I saw one week later on March 10th. Once again, Dr. Smith felt around and couldn't find the lump, so I had to show her. Same thing, she said it was probably nothing but let's do an ultrasound which they did right then. So I laid back (I'm quickly learning that modesty is a thing of the past) and as she was doing the ultrasound, she found another lump that was the size of a damn walnut that concerned her a little bit. She made an appointment for me on the 15th to have a mammogram and another ultrasound. When I woke up on the morning of the 15th, I seriously had no idea what I was in for that day. My appointment was at 8:40. I was to go straight from that appointment over to Dr. Smiths office to go over the results. The mammogram was first and the ultrasound was second. After the ultrasound the radiologist walked in and asked me to sit on the edge of the bed so he could show me some of the images. He first reviewed the TWO areas that was of little or no concern, one was the lump I found and the other was a cyst near my lymph node. Then he dropped the bombshell. The walnut size lump that Dr. Smith found with her ultrasoud "caused a high level of concern" and needed to have a biopsy. And since we were going to be doing the biopsy on that one, we may as well do the other two just to be safe. I immediately began to cry. Both the radiologist and ultra sound tech were so unbelievably kind. So I went from there over the Dr. Smith's office where Bobby was waiting for me. That two minute walk seemed like an eternity. I was so hysterical when I walked in, I couldn't even tell the girl at the front desk what my name was - I literally couldn't speak - I had to point down to the sign in sheet and show her my name. They immediately took me back and the process began. They went over the images with me again and with Bobby for the first time. I think we all pretty much new the outcome even though we wouldn't get the pathology results for two days. They instantly starting making appointments for MRI's, CT scans, blood work, plastic surgeon, oncologist, etc. We even started talking about surgical options. I also had blood drawn to see if I carried the cancer cell mutation, because if I had, it was very likely that I passed it on to Shelby. I found out last week that it was negative which was a great bit of good news. So, I was there for a few hours, came home and squeezed the kids and then went right back for my biopsy. I will rank that up there on my list of top 5 most unpleasant experiences. Bobby could hear my crying and telling them to stop from the waiting room. I cried so much that day....pretty much from start to finish. It exhausted me to my core. I had pretty much accepted by the end of that day that I had cancer. So when I got the results on Thursday morning, I didn't cry.... I took the kids to the zoo instead and that day at the zoo was one of the best ever!! I decided then that crying isn't a productive way to fight this, although I will admit, I do breakdown sometimes and have my own little pity party. I remember the morning I found out and I called a good friend to tell her while we were in the car on the way to the zoo. I was trying to keep it from the kids until we could all sit down as a family and tell them, so I was talking in "code" with my friend and trying to be very discreet. When I got off the phone, Shelby looked at me and said "mommy, do you have cancer?" (So much for being discreet!) I looked at her and honestly answered, "yes". The look on her face broke my heart. I told her not to be scared because I wasn't and she didn't need to cry because I wasn't crying. She then asked me if I was going to survive. I told her that I was absolutely going to survive and we then began dancing and singing like fools in the car. And for the next 4 hours, cancer was the farthest thing from our minds. All of the happened over spring break, so the following Monday when the kids went back to school, I called the school counselor. I was really worried about Shelby and how she was processing all of this. Cooper just wanted to know if I was going to have a cool scar and that was it. The counselor talked to Shelby and really helped her and let her know that she could come talk to her anytime if she was having a bad day. She said that instead of talking about how she's feeling, she could write or draw pictures and boy, have I gotten some great pictures from her since then. So, after my MRI, a teeny tiny other area of interest was found towards the bottom of my left breast, however all other vital organs were free of any cancer. Finally, some good news!!! At that point, we met with the surgeon and she said if I was her daughter, she would recommend a single mastectomy on the left side. She explained that there was a 20% chance over the next 10 years that cancer would show up on the right side and that a double mastectomy was another option. So, Bobby and I talked at great length that night and I decided that I NEVER wanted to go thru something like this again and we're doing this now, so let's get it all over with now. I opted for the double mastectomy. Radical? Maybe, but I really don't think so. I clearly am very unlucky and it's just not something I'm really to risk. I've met with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Chan, and she is absolutely amazing. I feel like I'm in the best hands and have the best team of doctors and nurses around me. Dr. Chan gave me her email and cell phone number - what doctor does that? I haven't met my oncologist yet, but that will be on April 25th. I'm told I'll get a month to recover from surgery and then I will start chemo, so I'm thinking I will start around the 2nd week in May. So, the plan now is surgery on Monday, April 11th. It will be a double mastectomy and I will start the reconstruction process immediately. However, I won't get the final installation of my new boobs until after I've completed chemo. So there you have it, the last month of my life in a nutshell. I feel like I'm in a really good place right now, I call it my 'happy place'. I do worry about Bobby and the kids and how they are handling all this. Bobby puts a smile on his face, but I know he's dying on the inside and it breaks my heart. I'm surrounded by the most amazing group of friends and the most supportive family. I have two friends that will go with me to chemo and they are going to wear shirts that say "Hattie's Chemo Mafia" - and boy are they. Their first response when they found out I had cancer wasn't that of despair or sadness, it was more like 'ok, what are WE going to do to fight this?!" Let's kick some cancer booty! I feel so blessed and loved. I receive cards in the mail every day and sometimes little gifts that truly bring a smile to my face and lift my spirits. I wish I could put into words how much it all means to me. Let me finish by saying this - I found the lump because I did a self exam. The lump I found turned out to be nothing. But because I found it, the other lump was found. My cancer is aggressive, so the fact that it was found early was life saving. So, when you are done reading this, get up and go to the bathroom and check yourself! Please, do your self exams!!!!